Questions to ask when you feel overwhelmed
There may be many tasks to clear on your to-do list. Some you feel you need to do them today. Others are tasks you need to remember so that projects can remain on track. You feel that you are out of energy and unmotivated. To distract yourself, you might end up doing other things instead. Feelings of anxiety can start to grow as tasks pile up when they are not done.
How can you help yourself? Pause, take a step back, and ask yourself three questions.
These questions are by no means the only questions you can ask. They helped me to be clearer on what I am saying ‘Yes’ to, and sieve out those that are aligned to my needs and wants.
1) Is this what I want?
Often times, we think we want something. But something deep inside may feel off. On reflection, you may discover that this is what you think the society wants, what your boss wants, what your peers want, what your parents want, what your spouse want. But if you have a choice, is the activity something that you really want to be part of?
2) Do I have the capacity to take this on?
I used to say ‘Yes’ to everything. If it was something I felt obligated to do or something I needed to do to feel I belonged to a community, I would push myself to get it done. Even if it meant that I didn’t have time or energy for my loved ones, or even myself. At one point when I was ‘pushing it’, I literally didn’t allow myself to sleep or eat.
These days, after much learning and unlearning, I find that I consciously ask this question, “Do I have the capacity?”. When I am overwhelmed by opportunities and commitments, something deep inside may prompt me to say ‘No’ to new opportunities, or re-negotiate existing commitments. It can take courage to do raise this. It was a internal struggle for me to say ‘No’ to new paid work opportunities, knowing that the work calendar looked relatively empty for the second half of the year. In doing so, I am learning what it means to be self compassionate. Because of this learning, I can extend it to others who collaborate with me on various projects too.
3) Does this bring me joy?
Shortly after I left the employee life and dived headfirst into an unplanned life ~3 years ago, I realised a lot of my decisions/actions were anchored by a sense of obligation. To someone else. To something else. Even if the someone else is not aware of what I laboured on.
I thought it didn’t matter because I was a 100% Giver. I gave until I had nothing in me left to give. The turning point was the moment I realised that even as I advocated for many things, I stopped advocating for myself. That was a time where I realised I couldn’t speak even if I was alone, even as I continued to give talks to 1,000 students at a time. It was all very confusing.
So early on in my personal healing journey, I added a criterion to my decision making list, “Does this bring me joy?”. This helped me see where I continued to say ‘Yes’ out of obligation, and where the ‘Yes’ would truly bring me create the future I want to live in.
I will add here that for me, joy is a feeling that springs from deep within and lingers. It can be a sense of satisfaction, a job well done, and time well spent. If something is personally rewarding to do, there is joy. It is different from happiness, which can be a emotional high that dissipates within a short time.
What if my answer to the above questions is ‘No’ but if I do the task anyway so that others can benefit?
An individual read a draft of this article and shared that she would additionally ask 2 questions, “Who will benefit from this? If I don’t do this, who will be affected?”
My take — These questions have a different purpose from the three I mentioned above.
As a Giver, many opportunities/projects I find myself having would have some kind of impact. There are opportunities to work with elderly, teach at pre-schools, partner universities, share thoughts with civil servants…
I find that the 3 questions help me to make sure that any decision I make also takes into consideration my own needs. It’s a form of self care. A filter to make sure that even as I care for others, I don’t leave myself out of the picture.
There is at least one volunteer project where I asked the 2 additional questions. There are many reasons why I think it’s time to bring the project to a close. At the same time, a logical side of me feels that it is a waste not to continue given its potential. At this point, I’m considering making time/energy to teach others if I want the project to continue in some form. But otherwise, if I truly heed my own intuition, it’s a ‘No’.
To Recap
So to recap, 3 questions to ask yourself when you prioritise your time and energy:
- Is this what I want?
- Do I have the capacity for it?
- Is this something that brings me joy?
